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How do I know if there is DV in my relationship?
Domestic violence can consist of a broad range of behaviours. These behaviours do not have to be physical, the list may include:
Physical Assault - kicking, slapping, choking or using weapons against you. All threats of physical violence should be taken seriously.
Sexual Assault - Any non-consenting (not fully agreed to by both partners) sexual act or behaviour, any unwanted or disrespectful sexual touch, rape (with or without threats of other violence), forced compliance in sexual acts, indecent assaults, and forced viewing of pornography.
Using coercion and threats- Like being told by your partner they will do something to hurt you, the children, pets or property if you do not do what they want, or do something they do not want you to do.
Using intimidation- Making you afraid by using looks, actions and gestures.
Using male or female privilege, that is defining what roles the other should take up in the relationship.
Using children- Such as by making you feel guilty about the children. Threatening to take the children away, to report you to child protection agencies. Using contact visits to harass you, using the children to relay threatening messages etc.
Using isolation- Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, what you read and where you go. Smothering you with their attention so you can't have contact with other people without them.
Psychological/Emotional/Verbal Abuse- Using words and other strategies to insult, threaten, degrade, abuse or denigrate you. This can include threats to your children.
Social Abuse- Social isolation imposed upon a partner, such as stopping you from seeing their family and friends. This may include enforced geographic isolation.
Economic Abuse- Controlling and withholding access to family resources such as money and property.
Physical Assault - kicking, slapping, choking or using weapons against you. All threats of physical violence should be taken seriously.
Sexual Assault - Any non-consenting (not fully agreed to by both partners) sexual act or behaviour, any unwanted or disrespectful sexual touch, rape (with or without threats of other violence), forced compliance in sexual acts, indecent assaults, and forced viewing of pornography.
Using coercion and threats- Like being told by your partner they will do something to hurt you, the children, pets or property if you do not do what they want, or do something they do not want you to do.
Using intimidation- Making you afraid by using looks, actions and gestures.
Using male or female privilege, that is defining what roles the other should take up in the relationship.
Using children- Such as by making you feel guilty about the children. Threatening to take the children away, to report you to child protection agencies. Using contact visits to harass you, using the children to relay threatening messages etc.
Using isolation- Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, what you read and where you go. Smothering you with their attention so you can't have contact with other people without them.
Psychological/Emotional/Verbal Abuse- Using words and other strategies to insult, threaten, degrade, abuse or denigrate you. This can include threats to your children.
Social Abuse- Social isolation imposed upon a partner, such as stopping you from seeing their family and friends. This may include enforced geographic isolation.
Economic Abuse- Controlling and withholding access to family resources such as money and property.
How does violence and abuse affect my children?
DVCS prioritises the safety and wellbeing of children in all aspects of our work. Children are often not taken account of when looking at supports for those experiencing Domestic Violence. The reality is that children are most times aware that there is violence in their home and feel powerless to stand up to it. It is important to try and explain to them what is happening as they can sense the atmosphere even if they are not present for the incidents of violence and abuse.
Parents often think children do not know about the domestic violence but what we know from experience and research is that children, even if not telling their parents, are generally aware of the violence and sometimes hear it when the parents think they can't. We find that parents sometimes need to tell themselves that the children don't know because otherwise they find it to hard to think about what it may mean for their children if they do know.
Children will have a range of emotions/reactions and again it is important to encourage expression of these and be interested in what and why they are feeling like this. Children need to be assured that it the adults responsibility to protect them and not the other way around.
Many people will say that the other parent (the one using violence) is a "good parent" to those children. If children are witnessing or experiencing Domestic Violence in the home then this is not a sign of good or caring parenting. Each parent has a responsibility to practice respect of the other and model this behaviour for their children.
Showing attention or affection to children cannot make up for denying them (through the use of violence) their right to a safe and happy childhood. Think about the impact that it might have on your children and how they may conduct their own relationships as a young person or an adult.
For many children, the first step in managing their situation is merely having someone who recognises that they are involved and allows them to tell their story. This might be another relative, a school counsellor or a DVCS worker.
For more information on this subject go to:
http://www.dvirc.org.au/publications/ChildWitInfo.htm#affect
Parents often think children do not know about the domestic violence but what we know from experience and research is that children, even if not telling their parents, are generally aware of the violence and sometimes hear it when the parents think they can't. We find that parents sometimes need to tell themselves that the children don't know because otherwise they find it to hard to think about what it may mean for their children if they do know.
Children will have a range of emotions/reactions and again it is important to encourage expression of these and be interested in what and why they are feeling like this. Children need to be assured that it the adults responsibility to protect them and not the other way around.
Many people will say that the other parent (the one using violence) is a "good parent" to those children. If children are witnessing or experiencing Domestic Violence in the home then this is not a sign of good or caring parenting. Each parent has a responsibility to practice respect of the other and model this behaviour for their children.
Showing attention or affection to children cannot make up for denying them (through the use of violence) their right to a safe and happy childhood. Think about the impact that it might have on your children and how they may conduct their own relationships as a young person or an adult.
For many children, the first step in managing their situation is merely having someone who recognises that they are involved and allows them to tell their story. This might be another relative, a school counsellor or a DVCS worker.
For more information on this subject go to:
http://www.dvirc.org.au/publications/ChildWitInfo.htm#affect
What is the difference between domestic violence and family violence?
Some people feel that the term family violence is more inclusive of various family relationships and behaviours and not just limited to describing a husband/wife situation. DVCS views both terms with equal importance. Neither term should mask the fact that a member or members of a family are being abused by another member, or members, in the family.
What about counselling?
Counselling is a personal choice that needs a commitment from the person/s involved. Often the first step toward counselling is an acceptance of who is actually responsible for the violence. Many people subjected to violence know that the responsibility for the violence lies with their partner, but the partner is not yet accepting of the same amount of responsibility and sometimes tell their partner that if they changed things about themselves then they would 'not have to use violence against them'.
Our experience is that until a person is accepting or ready to accept responsibility for the impact of their behaviour on others, then it is unlikely that counselling will be successful. Counselling can support a person to make decisions about their relationship and encourage them to examine their situation from an "outside" perspective.
A person who uses violence who has made the decision to attend counselling as a means of support should be encouraged but the safety of their partner and/or children should always remain paramount in any counselling.
Our experience is that until a person is accepting or ready to accept responsibility for the impact of their behaviour on others, then it is unlikely that counselling will be successful. Counselling can support a person to make decisions about their relationship and encourage them to examine their situation from an "outside" perspective.
A person who uses violence who has made the decision to attend counselling as a means of support should be encouraged but the safety of their partner and/or children should always remain paramount in any counselling.
Why does DVCS only work with women?
DVCS works with all people affected by Domestic Violence. This includes women, men and young people. The perception that DVCS works only with women comes from the reality that women and children are in the majority of those subjected to domestic violence, they are therefore, the majority who access our Service. The reality of women and children as the majority of those subjected to domestic violence is a fact based on extensive experience and research.
This is why domestic violence services, such as DVCS, demonstrate a community perception that they only work with women even when they work with men as well as women. This does not mean that men are never subjected to violence and/or abuse in their relationships. DVCS also works with men who identify as having been subjected to violence and/or abuse in their relationships however, these men are in the minority.
DVCS also work with the person who has used violence and abuse in the relationship, our experience is that the vast majority are men and occasionally it is a women. DVCS works on a principle of safety for all people while prioritising the safety of people who have been subjected to violence and abuse.
This is why domestic violence services, such as DVCS, demonstrate a community perception that they only work with women even when they work with men as well as women. This does not mean that men are never subjected to violence and/or abuse in their relationships. DVCS also works with men who identify as having been subjected to violence and/or abuse in their relationships however, these men are in the minority.
DVCS also work with the person who has used violence and abuse in the relationship, our experience is that the vast majority are men and occasionally it is a women. DVCS works on a principle of safety for all people while prioritising the safety of people who have been subjected to violence and abuse.
More Questions?
You can email a crisis worker cw@dvcs.org.au but remember that there may be a delay in our response so this should not be relied upon where your safety is at risk. You can always call DVCS on 62 800 900.
