Domestic Violence Crisis Service

What can DVCS do for me as a young person?

DVCS offers young people the same range of services it does any one else who contacts us. Often DVCS contact with a young person is through the school system or a youth service. Many young people ring us and talk over the issues as well. DVCS is always able to meet you (in a safe place) to talk over what is happening in your relationship or family. You can contact DVCS 24/7 on 62 800 900.

Where can I go if I am not safe?

There are a number of refuges for young people in the ACT and Queanbeyan. DVCS can help you access them if you have no where else safe to go. All refuges are staffed 24 hours a day so there is always a worker available to support you. The type of support offered can include finding longer term accommodation, emotional support and practical support like dealing with Centrelink or legal issues.

Where else can I find out about DV?

Here are some other useful websites:

http://www.burstingthebubble.com/
A guide to working out relationships within your family

http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/index.htm
A site for young women about love, respect and abuse in relationships

http://www.youthabuse.dhhs.tas.gov.au/
Describes what abuse in a relationship is and common ideas about relationships.

www.kidshelpline.com.au
or ph 1800 55 1800 – Telephone and online counseling service.

http://www.aboutdaterape.nsw.gov.au
Information about date rape.

‘The following content was developed by Mandy McKenzie from the Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre (Victoria) and published as the Expect Respect booklet by The Body Shop, 2005.‘ DVCS appreciates that Mandy and The Body Shop have agreed to our use of this information on our website.

EXPECT RESPECT

Abuse and domestic violence sometimes happen when there is a lack of respect for one person in a relationship or in a family.

This information is about understanding what respect is, and what it means to be in a healthy relationship. It also tells you what you can do if you are not being treated right or if you are being abused.

You deserve love and respect.

Quote “My girlfriend really likes chick flicks, which I’m not really into, but I go anyway. But she comes along to the footy with me, even though I know she gets bored. I guess all relationships have a bit of give and take”, Imad.

RESPECT CHECKLIST

When someone really likes or loves you, they treat you with respect.

The following are signs of a relationship that is based on respect.

You are free to say no to things you don’t want to do
You feel safe and never scared or threatened
You are free to see other friends and family when you want
You can express your opinions and beliefs
You are free to change your mind
You feel like you can be yourself – even if you are different to the other person
You feel good about yourself
You are supported to make your own decisions
You are free to end the relationship if you want to

Think about how you feel in your relationship, or, in your friendships. If you don’t always feel like this, maybe you are not being treated with respect.

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON RESPECT

People want different things from a relationship. Some people want a casual relationship, some want romance, some want sex and others want someone to be close to. And some people are attracted to the same sex.

It can take time to find someone who wants the same as you.

Remember, it’s ok to take your time and ask yourself:

What do I want from a relationship?
What don’t I want?
What qualities do I like in a person?
What don’t I like?

WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE

‘We just have fun together and like being around each other’

‘We don’t see each other all the time. We both spend time on our own or with our own friends’

‘She has her own interests, like she is really into sport. I love that she is different to me’

‘I sometimes get a bit jealous when he talks to other girls, but that’s ok. I trust him’

‘We do have arguments but we are pretty good at listening to each other and compromising’

‘She has very different opinions to me, but it’s always interesting to hear what she’s got to say’

How you feel in your relationship can tell you whether it’s healthy or not. In a healthy relationship you feel respected, happy, cared for, supported and safe.

RELATIONSHIP QUIZ

How do you know if you’re being treated right?

Be honest with yourself…note the box if the statement applies to you:

My boyfriend or girlfriend:

Seems to like me as a person
Won’t let me talk to other guys / girls
Respects my feelings, opinions and beliefs
Doesn’t want me to spend time with my friends or family
Makes me feel like I have to watch what I do or say
Is ok if I say no to something (including sex)
Is happy for me to make my own decisions about my life
Often puts me down or criticizes me
Tries to work out arguments by compromising or talking
Sometimes scares or hurts me by being aggressive or violent
Is happy for me to see my own friends if I want to
Might try to hurt me or themselves if I wanted to break up
Makes me feel scared to disagree or to say no to things

Numbers 1,3,6,7,9 and 11 are signs of love and respect. If you are being treated right, you should have ticked all of these.

If you have ticked any other answers, then there are signs that you are not being treated right.

WHEN LOVE HURTS

Abuse or domestic violence happens when one person tries to control, bully or hurt another. It’s about a lack of respect for the other person. The abuse might be physical, sexual or emotional.

When someone who is supposed to love you treats you badly, it can be very hurtful.

They might not always treat you like this – sometimes they might be caring and nice to you.

So you might think, “it’s not that bad”. But if someone really likes or loves you, they should treat you with respect – always.

The first step in changing things is to understand what’s happening.

Physical abuse is when someone is violent or threatens to hurt you (eg: pushes you, smashes things, drives dangerously to scare you, etc).

Sexual abuse is when someone pressures you or forces you into doing sexual things that you don’t want to do.

It’s against the law for someone to physically hurt you, threaten to hurt you or force you into sexual contact. You can contact the police and the person can be charged with a crime.

Quote “He gets mad over little things, like what TV show we should watch. He flies into a bad temper so quickly, it scares me. It’s just easier to do what he wants”, Haley

Quote “She constantly watches where I am and what I’m up to – she rings me every couple of hours, and tells me I have to spend every spare minute with her”, Ben

Emotional abuse includes when someone….

Checks up on what you are doing all the time

Stops you from seeing friends or family

Puts you down or humiliates you

Says they will kill themselves if you break up with them

Blackmails you – like threatening to tell your family something that you don’t want them to know.

Emotional abuse can hurt you just as much as physical or sexual abuse. This behaviour can also be a warning sign that the person could become physically violent in the future. Have a plan to protect yourself.

If someone is abusing you, it’s not your fault.

TAI’S STORY

Story: I was seeing this guy I knew for quite a while. At first he seemed to be a great guy, but after a month I could see he had some issues. I thought he was just insecure so I spent more time with him. It all started when he’d get angry if I’d talk to my friends or overly jealous if I talked to any guys and he’d tell me that I was acting like a ‘slut’. He’d say that my friends and family didn’t care about me and that he was the only person who would ever care for me in such a deep way. At first I didn’t believe the stuff that he said to me, but soon he got into my head and I stopped hanging out with my friends.

I cried a lot during the relationship. I couldn’t really talk to my friends or family about it because I didn’t want them to tell me to break up with him. I kept telling myself he needs someone who loves him and that I shouldn’t break up with him because it will hurt him. Eventually I started seeing my friends again, even though it made him angry. I talked to them a bit about it, and started to realize that there were other people who cared about me which made me feel stronger.

When I finally broke up with him, he started acting desperately to get me back. He threatened to kill himself, to smash up my stuff and to tell my parents things about me that weren’t true. But even though it was really hard, I just walked away. He now acts really nice and tells me that he’s changed, but I can see right through him. He tricked me once, but I won’t let him trick me again.

Now I’ve got a boyfriend who I really love and trust. He’s like one of my best friends, I can tell him anything. He just wants us to have fun together, there’s no pressure and he doesn’t make a big deal of it if I don’t want to do what he wants. I can be myself with him.

My advice to others:

Sometimes when you really care about someone it’s hard to see that they aren’t right for you. No one should ever make you feel pressured to stay in a relationship based upon guilt. The longer you stay with them, the more you get attached. Don’t think they’ll change because they love you or that you can change them. Believe me, I’ve tried – I think we all have. It’s better to realize this before something serious happens. Talk to family or friends about it. I’m happy I did, and think I did just in time.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Why are they doing this to me?

People who are abusive will often make excuses for the way they act. They might say…

“I was just joking”

“You made me do it”

“I couldn’t help it”

“I was drunk”

But really, they act this way to try to control you. They pressure you or scare you as a way of getting you to do what they want. Some guys think they have the right to dominate their girlfriends, and to be ‘the boss’ - but they haven’t.

Am I causing them to abuse me?

No. The abuse is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself - the way they behave says more about them than it does about you. Even if they feel upset or angry about something, they could deal with it by talking to you or to their friends or family. They don’t have the right to treat you like this.

How can I get them to change?

You can’t make someone change their attitude or behaviour – only they can do that. They have to start respecting you. But this won’t happen overnight. Unfortunately abuse often gets worse, not better.

Should I stay or should I go?

Quote “He sulks for days if I say I want to go out for a night with my friends. So I end up only seeing him”, Christa

Working out whether to stay or break up can be a hard decision.

Maybe you still love them or you feel like you’d be nothing without them. Maybe you feel trapped or scared of what they might do if you leave.

Have a break from the relationship, if you can, or don’t see each other as much. Give yourself time to think. It can help to write your feelings down. Find someone to talk to, so you feel less alone.

How can I help my friend or family member?

If your think your friend is being abused, here are some ideas on how to provide support.

Do:

Let them know you have noticed they don’t seem happy in their relationship. Tell them you are there if they want to talk about it.

Listen to them and help them think about the relationship.

Believe what they tell you. It will have taken a lot for them to talk to you and trust you.

Take the abuse seriously. Help them work out how they can stay safe.

Support them, whether their decision is to stay or leave.

Encourage them to speak to a counsellor, or talk to a counsellor yourself about what you could do to support them.

Don’t:

Don’t blame them for the abuse or make judgmental comments like, “if you stay in the relationship then the abuse is your fault’.

Don’t focus on working out the abuser’s reasons for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting your friend and on what they can do to protect themselves.

Try not to be impatient or critical of them if they are confused about what to do. It’s very difficult for anyone to break up a relationship and especially hard if they are being abused.

We should all EXPECT RESPECT for ourselves, and treat others the same. We are all unique, and worthy of love and respect.

Ways you can build self-respect and confidence include: